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Back when I was a mere child and attending college, I wrote numerous strongly Dave Barryish essays for the website SomethingAwful. Some were good, some were bad, but all were definitely written, by me, on what was almost certainly a computer. This is the first of these that I can really recall, a guide to attracting women, written under the name Spiny Norman and retrieved from the archives of SomethingAwful by the eternally helpful Scott Jones.
I think I was nineteen when I wrote this, and it probably shows in places, but in other places it almost comes close to being amusing. Other parts, yes, make me cringe. But here we are. The note below is from the original text.
Keep in mind that there is language. Like, the strong kind.
NOTE: The following composition is composed entirely of lies and misinformation. The author strongly discourages giving him any credit even for a second, and any success derived from said composition would be both astounding and hilarious. There are many problems currently plaguing humanity; pollution, disease, famine, boredom, global warming, global cooling, global tepidness, and the animated series Drawn Together are just a few I can name off the top of my head.
However, all of these are tiny in comparison to that one great distraction we have on the way to the grave, love. Or, rather, sex. Because love does not exist. So it is my intention that in the following guide I will aid the general internet male and help him increase his already desperately slim chance at the reproductive act, no matter how short and embarrassing said act may be. Such questions are well justified.
But I will have you know that last week I was personally handed a very long and detailed pamphlet upon the nature of adolescence and sexual relations by a fifth grade gym teacher.
Granted, I am not a fifth grade child but am instead an obese thirty-four year old man with severe skin problems, and I also had to approach this particular gym teacher in the parking lot as they tried to climb into their Chevy Nova, but I will have you further know that in the past week I have locked myself in the closet and pored over this pamphlet dozens of times while sweating heavily and ignoring my mother wildly pounding on the door and screeching at me in her cruel soprano.
Such devotion to the nature of the reproductive act and painstaking attention to crude drawings of naughty bits is, I think, completely peerless within the greater academic world, and I challenge any of you to match my fierce intellect when it comes to people making hoo-hoo. So come sit in my car of knowledge as we begin our way on the highway of enlightenment, and make sure to strap in your seatbelts of objectivity, for this ride of understanding will be sorely plagued by the bumpiness of self-discovery.
As it turns out, Milk Duds are kryptonite to the digestive system of the miniature dachshund. So he up. But today we are more sophisticated. Today such behavior is only accepted in West Virginia, where it is considered downright cosmopolitan.
In the modern world, women must be attracted with a careful mixture of deceit, lies, and incredible amounts of money. Ever since things have been pretty much downhill.
So let us examine the correct manners in which a young unattractive male might dupe a hapless female into finding him attractive. It is a scientific fact that all women want to have crazy jungle sex with their fathers.
In some places, such as Arkansas, such desires are casually fulfilled and are considered the norm. But I can already hear your objections. And what say you to the complex paradox that finding a wife is part of our problem?
There is a roundabout way to exploit this innate desire. First, pick your target. Remember, if you aim for the stars, you will almost certainly burn up in the atmosphere because you do not have the necessary heat shields. What I am saying here is: go homely. Second, Hot woman want sex Jackson her father, and imitate his behavior. I suggest that you invade his home and burgle his wardrobe.
Scent is important, too, so try subduing him and rubbing your body all over his. You definitely want to work some of that sweet, sweet fatherly old man stink into your greasy slacks. If you want to go all the way, make a suit out of his skin and begin wearing it in the mirror while you dance to Depeche Mode.
Third, approach your desired female and begin mimicking her father. Occasionally stare into the distance and sweat while speaking in a monotone voice about how your friends all died face down in the mud. If her father was a carpenter, build her a chair or something.
You get the idea. Soon enough she will be tearing off your clothes or sobbing hysterically.
Both are wins. Manners were created in order to make every single social action of the day incredibly difficult and shameful. Mundane interactions such as parking your car, buying a smoothie, or eliciting freaky sex are made fantastically complex with the long, drawn-out social handshake that we call manners. This is nothing.
In Japan if you make eye contact with another person they are legally required to kill you. Then they have to kill themselves, because in order to see if someone made eye contact they would have to have been looking at that person already. Japan is not a very nice place to live, and they take out their aggression by creating disturbing and perverse television shows starring humanoid monsters with enormous mouths.
But manners are also useful in coercing the fairer sex into having some awkward sex. Manners show women that men are willing to bend over backwards perhaps literally for them, because manners are always idiotic, useless, and frustrating. Anyone who really goes through all that to get a girl is obviously willing to spend outrageous amounts of money on her as well. That way I do not wake up their family and they can have an open-casket funeral! Never fear. I will show you how to take your normally bungling approaches and dress them up so that the targeted female is none the wiser.
This is not considered appropriate unless you are a famous musician. Notice how the man is shouting, swears repeatedly, and types in all caps. Or something. Hearing this man talk is like watching Michael Jackson vomiting rose petals. It is irresistible. Notice that the of words have nearly tripled and all of them are useless. That is manners in action, my friend.
Try and talk like Hugh Grant while you do it, what with all of his delightful stammers and blinks. Poetry is a device that people use to take something that makes sense, say, a red wagon, and then talk about it in a way that does not make sense. No one really Hot woman want sex Jackson how this happens, not even poets. If you ask a poet what their poem was about, they will act very offended and leave the room.
Eliot, who once drank a whole bottle of gin during a conference on poetry and in the next hour single-handedly created English Academia, which is far inferior to the Academia of Hoo-Hoo, of which I am a proud member. It is also a way for people who drink and talk too much to dupe other people into giving them money.
It was first invented by Homer, who was blind or something, and he was so good at it that he was literally crushed to death by the millions of drachmas that people were throwing at him. For whatever reason, women love poetry. Their love of poetry is so intense I have personally seen women catch fire at several poetry readings. Shakespeare is considered to be the greatest poet in the English language, but I think this is a result of the fact that what he mostly wrote about was stabbing and fucking. The way you make a statement sound like Shakespeare is you take it and make it sound nerdier than Harry Potter erotic slash fic that crosses over into Star Trek erotic slash fic.
Here is an example:. What greater joys than this can exist amongst the swirling chaos of this muddled world? Thine very glance hast pierced me to the heart, thine eyes as sweet daggers of silver and glass that now dwell amongst my bosom, and therefore I say to thee, would I know the elation of having you back that shit up on here? DO NOT tell dead baby jokes. You have to wait for her to get drunk to do that. DO NOT try to stealthily vomit at the table.
If you feel nervous enough to vomit, do so before the date. DO NOT engage in karaoke. The only things that are surer to result in the lack of boinking are castration or a fire. DO NOT order a pizza at a fine restaurant without preparation. They will be very upset with you. What you do is call a delivery place first and have them deliver the pizza there. DO NOT ask her to marry you on the first date. You have to wait for her to get drunk or pregnant to do that. DO NOT threaten to murder your date, unless you are doing some sort of crazy role playing thing that you both have agreed on, in which case you are legally required to me the pictures.
DO NOT serve her wine in a milk jug. She will catch on to your clever plan. Also, do not order wine that has a label written in Sharpie. If you can avoid doing all of these things, maintain eye contact unless she is Japaneseand keep smiling and nodding, the sex act is almost guaranteed. Also, just to make sure, casually pull out huge rolls of money and Hot woman want sex Jackson them as you listen. This is like the icing on the cake for you or the nail in the coffin for her.
Reproduction is the most embarrassing and hideous thing a human being can do. Have you ever seen other people have sex? Sex makes everyone else ashamed. There is actually no faster way to lose respect for another person than to catch them having sex. It is a scientific fact that women do not actually enjoy sex. Orgasms were made up by a drunken psychologist in the fifties, just because he hated all his patients. Asks you how your day went. Screams incoherently. Turns out the light and goes to sleep. Turns on the game and begins loudly rooting for the Raiders.
Writes the Great American Novel. Calls her friend on the phone and starts talking about how horrible sex with you is. Makes it all the way to the Sanctuary of Chaos in Diablo 2. Pretty much anything but seeming to enjoy herself. Now our dance is over. No longer are you forced to pretend to be someone likeable, or even halfway decent.
The delicate waltz of character and personality that randomly occurs between two people has entirely collpased, and now is when you plant yourself Hot woman want sex Jackson the recliner, watch Sportscenter, and continue cramming cheeseburgers down your face and slamming Coors Light.
Go ahead. See how fast the color will drain from her face. Well, here we are.Hot woman want sex Jackson
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A Guide to Attracting Women, for April Fool’s